Friday November 30th, 2007: Issue #865
I feel so bad.
All I was doing was browsing the newspaper rack in my local corner store - minding my own business and thinking vague and distracted thoughts as I perused the headlines.
I turned round to go to the counter and a little old lady (and I mean little, as she can’t have been more than 4 foot 10) who was standing beside me threw up her hands and called out “Don’t hit me!”
I’m a big bloke and I may have looked rather imposing in my leather jacket, especially to a tiny octogenarian, but I’ve never hit anyone in my life! I don’t know who was more shocked by the incident, her, or me!
She rushed off before I could even say sorry (for what, though, I really don’t know) and the guy behind the counter gave me a very funny look as I paid for my paper.
I couldn’t have felt more guilty if I’d beaten her over the head with a rolled-up tabloid!
What a weird start to the day.
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We went to see the new movie Beowulf the other evening.
What a very strange bit of cinema. I really don’t know, even now, if I liked it or not. Yes I do. Not.
The film is considered groundbreaking because the actors all had to wear skin-tight body suits that were covered in computer sensors and acted so that the cameras could capture their movements. Then advanced CGI overlaid photo-realistic (almost) cartoon-like images over the real actor’s movements.
So the actors provided the voices and the movements, but the computer provided all the rest - backgrounds, bodies, the lot.
And the result was, in my opinion, a very strange mash up.
The lead character, Beowulf, is a tall, muscular Viking hero. The actor who played him, however, was Ray Winstone, a short, fat cockney more famous for his portrayal of villians than tall muscular heros.
I couldn’t believe the cartoon because I knew what the actor really looks like. And his voice was spectacularly wrong for the part too.
Anthony Hopkins, one of my favorite actors, was treated rather more fairly. His ‘cartoon’ actually looked like him and his voice worked well.
Angelina Jolie looked like Angelina Jolie with a tail, and no clothes on. So I guess there was one redeeming factor to the film!
Despite all the wizard techno trickery, this movie version of the ancient epic story should at least have had a good plot, but it even managed to fail on that front. The story was poorly told, as deep as a puddle after a light rain, repetitive and sorely lacking much in the way of humor (deliberate humor I mean, there was plenty of the unintentional kind). It also managed to avoid the bonus of giving the audience a happy ending. Perhaps that’s the fault of the original story, I don’t know having never read it.
I was left wondering why they didn’t make this film with real actors playing real parts. Or make it as a pure animation film like Toy Story or Shrek. Either option could have resulted in a movie that was worth watching.
The strange half-human, half-animation chimera that we ended up having to watch just didn’t work.
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Martin’s Law of Malls #673:
A woman’s IQ is in inverse proportion to the size of the baby stroller (buggy) she pushes.
What is it with baby strollers these days? They are getting bigger and bigger! The average ones nowadays are about the size of a compact car!
And they seem to be built with a giant construction kit out of old scaffolding poles, motorcycle wheels and army-surplus hammocks.
Why do they have to be so big? The wheels are big. The frame is big. The bags hanging from every corner are big.
Only the babies are still tiny. And as they seem to be pushed mainly by the trendy 4-wheel-drive-meet-in-Starbucks-for-latte brigade, the drivers are often lightweight too. Physically as well as mentally.
They park their super-size-strollers, their bigger-than-yours-buggies, in the narrowest places they can find and then wander off to chat with their friends, or spend hours reading the gossip magazines, oblivious and uncaring that they are causing the entire store to grind to a halt as nobody can get past.
And when anyone dares to say ‘excuse me’ the response is a moody look and a dismissive shrug.
I have nothing (much) against baby strollers per se. All three of my children were pushed around in them.
But Delia and I at least tried to be aware of other people around us, and often didn’t go into a shop because it was too narrow or small. I often waited outside with the baby while Delia braved the shop. And our strollers were all as small and compact as the safety of our children allowed. The things could fold up to almost nothing and could be lifted with one hand that was already full of shopping bags.
Arnie himself would have trouble lifting the things that are wheeled around today.
All I want to know is … why?
(If you push your kids around in a mini Mack Truck, maybe you can explain your thinking to me. I’d be very interested.)
#~#~#
The shops are heaving at the moment. Leaving the comfort and safety of your own home is something that shouldn’t be undertaken lightly. Folks, it’s not pretty out there. There is madness in the malls.
I asked my wife and daughters why they put themselves through the annual torture of Christmas shopping. The shops are crowded, the stock is boring, the queues are long and getting longer as each day brings us closer to Christmas. Tempers are frayed, patience is stretched and the prices are absurd.
Why, I say to my wife, do you do it? Why put yourself through all that when you could just as easily go online and buy almost everything you can find in the mall safely, quietly, conveniently and more often than not, more cheaply?
Why do it? That’s what the Internet is for, for goodness sake. Online shopping is the future, we are told, but a glance at any shopping mall in November or December seems to suggest that the future isn’t here yet.
They told me why they do it. They explained why they deliberately fray their own nerves, frustrate themselves beyond tolerance, and come home like escapees from an anger management class. And then do it all again, and again because they couldn’t find what they wanted the first, second or third time round.
They explained, but, being a mere man, I didn’t understand a word of the explanation.
“We like to touch what we buy,” they said.
To my daughter and my wife (and probably 99% of the good ladies who read Kickstart) that makes perfect sense.
But to me, and I suspect to the other 50% of Kickstart readers, they may as well have uttered the formula for benzohydrofluorizide … in ancient greek.
I like shopping malls, but there is a time and a place. And the time isn’t any time between now and the end of the January sales. Unless Delia insists, of course.
#~#~#
None of this has got anything to do with Internet marketing, business or recommending that you buy anything.
It has nothing to do with positivity (far from it) or goal setting.
And time management is a distant memory.
Good. It’s Friday. Let’s keep it that way.
Have a great weekend!
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An Inspirational Thought
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We all think we are hard done by at times. But next time you let something hold you back, spare a thought for Miguel de Cervantes.
In 1571 he was wounded at the battle of Lepanto, lost the use of his left hand, was captured by pirates in 1575, and spent five years in a hellish prison in Algiers.
Then he went on to write the story of one of the most famous and principled dreamers in history: Don Quixote.
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The Quote of the Day
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Johann Wolfgang von Goethe said,
“If I accept you as you are, I will make you worse; however, if I treat you as though you are what you are capable of becoming, I help you become that.”
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Today’s Power Thought
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There are just three working weeks left before Christmas.
I don’t have an action point for you today. This coming month of December is one of the busiest of the year, and I am certain that you don’t need me banging on about how you should be doing this or that.
I am going to give you a few guidelines that might help the stresses of the last few weeks before Christmas to go a little easier.
1. Remember that Christmas is a hurdle, not a brick wall. Too many of us see Christmas as a great big barrier. Everything will grind to a halt. Everything has to get done in advance. Sure, get your preparations ready so that you can unwind when the big day finally arrives, but don’t forget that real life will start again a few days later.
2. This is the time that millions of people the world over will do things that they will regret. Don’t be one of them! Remember that photocopier glass is fragile. ‘Nuff said.
3. Take heed of the fact that no matter how stressed out you feel, everyone else feels the same way. Try not to offload your anxieties on those around you. Also, while the ability to effectively delegate is a good trait to learn, this is not the time of year to delegate everything. The weeks before Christmas pass much more smoothly if teamwork is applied.
4. Whether you believe in Christ or not, try to remember that Christmas is a time for goodwill. Set aside the bad thoughts in your spirit and let the good ones flow for the next few weeks. If nothing else, you will feel a whole lot better when the New Year comes around.
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Fascinating Facts
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In Minnesota, it is illegal to cross state lines with a duck on your head.